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Tag: self-awareness
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August 28, 2024
It’s incredible how the world responds to our own “things.” Some time ago, during a walk in the countryside, I saw an amazing barn made of old stone. Surrounded by a beautiful setting — forests, fields, and a small herd in the paddock. It was about three weeks ago. Yesterday, I went back there. With my little Piździk. From the moment I arrived, I was dazzled by the perfectly done concrete, shining brilliantly in the sun, and on it a barking black spot with a blue collar. The dog ran up to me, wagging its tail. This cheeky guy taught me I could go further to two small houses where the owners live. I was greeted by an absolutely overwhelming smell of cooking. Despite trying to get the cook’s attention by knocking on doors and windows, I couldn’t distract Irek from his cooking. Luckily, I felt quite awkward wandering on someone’s private land — then Basia, Irek’s wife, came out from the other house and showed me around. Such kind people. Such a beautiful place. And guess what — I can do a photoshoot of Bon in front of that divine barn/stable. It’ll happen in September — we just need to set a date. The photographer already knows ;)
Alright, maybe now is the best moment to get to the point. Bon literally saved me. For a long time, I wondered how this could help someone else — “this” meaning contact with a “hairy therapist.” I’ve already mentioned Karolina from Horse Spirit. I think this woman helped me understand what Plusz has done for me. As the facilitator herself writes:
“Horses perceive us holistically, treating us as a whole and showing us the areas within ourselves that currently need our attention. These include setting boundaries, good communication, self-awareness, courage to act, decision-making, and building trust in the world.”Karolina also writes about her method, Horse Assisted Education: (…) it’s a type of learning similar to what accompanies us since childhood, engaging the whole person in discovering the world and developing skills. It activates not only intellect but also intuition, bodily awareness, and emotions, which reinforce what we have learned. This learning process involves the limbic system, the part of the brain called the mammalian brain, which controls emotions, behaviors, and drives typical for the species. The limbic system also stores motor and long-term memory. Experiences with horses strongly engage this system. Thanks to this process, previously unconscious competencies and skills become activated.”
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Good morning, still very July-like,
I had a “crash” two days ago. I’ll quietly admit — I forgot about my pharmacy visit for two days. Really, I just forgot. My trip to get my meds was a cruel journey — not to mention the mental torment, torn by guilt, but also the physical aspect of dealing with the lack of chemistry in my head. Ringing in my ears, dizziness. Of course, I can only write about myself and my experiences — and while I think I have some control over the Demons, my body, having been in survival mode for so long, is now throwing various things at me. There are days — one or two a week — when I have absolutely no strength for anything. Physically. I can’t get off the couch. I do the necessary, essential tasks but totally without energy. Once, this was terrifying to me — how can I waste the day so stupidly when there’s so much to do at home, in the garden, etc.? Today, I surrender to it.
I’m learning to listen to the body that wraps the divine mind, on which so much depends. It can make you your best friend or your worst enemy. One that’s obsessed, crushing itself. Exceptionally self-destructive. Okay, enough — despite everything, the learning process is (in my opinion) the most beautiful life process. Getting to know yourself is important, but the attempt to face your own fears, limitations, and finally change the beliefs that restrict your growth — that’s one hell of a ride! -
July, 2024
Oh my… I overslept! I honestly don’t remember when that last happened. Maybe it’s because of a dream I had — very sensual, as silly as that sounds. It was full of emotions I kind of miss. Some long-forgotten people appeared too. It’s funny how unprocessed traumas nestle in dreams (I think). One’s own monsters — sometimes disguised as someone pleasant. Confusing situations that seem meaningless, pulled from the depths of the soul or wherever. Freud said dreams are “a reflection of our hidden desires, dreams, fears, and anxieties” (Wikipedia and his devotees, though his discoveries cost much suffering and even some patients’ lives). Still, I really like his concept of the “royal road” to the unconscious. For me today, the dream was just desires :))
A very masculine, burly man appeared (an actor whose name I won’t mention — probably to avoid embarrassing myself ;) — reminding me of someone from a hundred years ago — probably why he showed up). You know, one of those senseless stories like “what if I had chosen differently back then.”
Anyway, this actor gave me everything I needed in my dream, all the things I most wanted but probably never had — a nice little ego boost for this cheeky mess. Let him have it! I always had style :) Now we fight smaller battles, though the Witch doesn’t give up and sometimes suddenly tries to attack. A nasty creature. A sleeping manipulator. A vile, sneaky bogeyman. Screw that.
Anyway, the burly angel from my dream gave me lots of attention, tenderness, and a focus on me in a psycho-physical way. He let me feel weak when I sometimes need to. He was stunning in that thick wool sweater — a tacky little picture of warmth. A trick of reason.
The dream’s finale was a brutally vivid reminder of a real situation. It turned out the Woolen Angel had someone — who, according to rumors — he murdered. Can you believe it?! I love my brain. It’s strong. Or possessed.
I don’t mention this without reason. The conclusion was… me leaving. I simply went my own way. I think for anyone who truly loves themselves, who likes being with themselves, understanding that someone’s company — to put it mildly — stops serving them, stepping away is the best way to care for their mental health, especially when it’s propped up on constant “chemical support.”
I had to learn this for a very long time. I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say it took me decades. I’m glad I get it now, really. I finally like myself — despite the Witch — though there’s still a lot ahead of me.
My beloved Collins (Mom still remembers me listening to his music non-stop while I was studying for my final exams, and now I could drink cocoa with him in the garden and hug endlessly) sings:
“What’s past is past, don’t turn around,
brush away the cobwebs of freedom…”The past shaped me, taught me a lot, oh yes. It strengthened me. It was colorful, and I was vulnerable, pressed into “should, shouldn’t, I may, I must,” etc. Now I really know I want to live. I like it. I’m no longer ashamed to say what I need — and I understand refusals much better. Letting go of what’s not for me comes much easier now.
Sometimes the Rogue still throws opinions about someone at me, but very quickly a thought pops into my head: “you don’t really know what they’re fighting.” I’m working on better communication with my Favorite People — results vary ;)) Just recently, a lady I work with said to me: “It’s good that you call because your writing is so unusual that I don’t always understand.” Seriously :))?!
Alright, I’m off to pick fabrics — this is regarding that homage I mentioned earlier. I know, a bit of a long intro, but an important one.
Note — today’s musings were sponsored by (okay, I admit it) Ben Affleck reminding me of The Man From a Hundred Thousand Years Ago. You can laugh now. But seriously — there’s always a way out. Always. Sometimes painful, sometimes uncomfortable, but always.
Please, don’t give up!
Text adapted from https://www.tekstowo.pl/piosenka,phil_collins,dance_into_the_light.html: “What’s past is past, don’t turn around, brush away the cobwebs of freedom.”
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June – the end
Once my favorite month – June – maybe because of my birthday. You know, recently I was counting to make sure I really am as old as I am – and yes, that’s correct. I don’t want it to be any different. A bit of a pity. A pity, but probably only because of my energy levels. Yesterday at training, my whole body hurt as if it was screaming: “Re laaaxxxxx…!” For a moment, I thought about getting off the saddle, but in the end, we did yielding in walk – considering the movements with Plushie, we invented a gait before the walk :)) – it was exceptionally hard. Trotting was better. Training done, always “a little” progress.
By the way – I’ve been wondering since yesterday what it really means to do something “in tribute” – what does it really mean, beyond the obvious definition you’d find on Wikipedia:
“Homage (Latin: homagium) – a ceremony of solemn feudal contract. During it, homage was paid: the vassal would kneel before their lord and solemnly swear loyalty, promising to assist the lord in counsel (consilium) and to offer military aid (auxilium). Then came investiture, the formal granting of the fief to the vassal.”In common understanding, paying tribute means nothing less or more than an expression of respect, recognition, devotion, and honor. Well.
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june 12, 2024
The overwhelming Monster gave me a break, incapacitated by the chemicals whose doses we are steadily reducing with the doctor. Yesterday, I literally witnessed a comedy at the criminal department of the police. It just struck me – I had never really looked closely at our emblem before. In nature, does an eagle really have its claws spread as wide as on the emblem? … I feel closer to animals than to people. Without a shadow of doubt.
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February still
Today reality overwhelmed me. I took my brain and hid under a blanket, after swallowing my “security pill” first. It didn’t help.
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February 2024
Today I heard something that’s been on my mind for a long time. While trying to save my spine, a Kind Person said: “You know, the older we get, the wider our eyes open.”
True, my Charming Conversationalist chose to keep his eyes steadily closed, but he reminded me how much I love keeping mine wide open. -
March 2021
In the eyes of Szymon — a boy being called by a girl walking down the sidewalk on the other side of the street — I saw my own emotions.
The ones from the time when I was in love.
And I felt longing.