Tag: perspective

I’ve been struggling with depression for several years now. It’s been… varied. There was a time, about three years ago, when it was really hard — to put it mildly. I’m not sure what was worse — the feeling of my head being attached to a massive lump of meat, which had no strength to move and just wanted to lie there and slowly fade away — or the comments from someone I considered close at the time: “you’re creating your own problems.” Constant crying or — what I then thought was irrational — aggression. I cried watching a cheesecake commercial, and when the mascarpone whipped cream for my divine daughter’s favorite chocolate cake wouldn’t whip. I kicked the freezer drawer and broke it because it wouldn’t close. I couldn’t sit without leaning against a wall. I had no energy at all, like I really was that lump of meat — beef — and I didn’t even know why. I couldn’t sleep, then I’d wake at 3 or 4 a.m., unable to fall back asleep. In the morning, I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t wash my hair for weeks. I lost weight.
In my case, the breaking point came with a thought — just a thought — that flashed through my mind as I was driving down toward the roundabout in Piekary. I was supposed to yield to a truck. I thought: “I’m just seconds away from peace. All I have to do is close my eyes for a moment, not brake.” That thought terrified me! I have a huge will to live — enormous! I always have. I called the therapist who had once helped me understand myself. I ended up seeing a specialist. It turned out I was in a pretty critical state, on the edge of being hospitalized.

Shock! I was convinced that — as usual — I’d handle my “various things” on my own.
Shock!
I didn’t talk about it for a long time.
Now I wonder why.
I don’t know.

On Friday, I attended the funeral of my uncle.
The only thing that truly stayed with me was his grieving wife.
Now, with the perspective of therapy, treatment, and three years of professional care,
I can see that if I had listened to that fleeting thought back at the roundabout,
I might have gained the peace I so longed for —
but at the cost of someone else’s unbearable pain,
someone who might have wept over my departure.
Perspective.