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Tag: emotions
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August 2024
Good morning! I’m so excited! A few days ago, Bon and I went out — a walk in the field. For an hour and a half, we wandered through forests and fields — magical! My mind is healing — despite a rough night last night. It’s an incredible feeling to come back to yourself. Some time ago — quite seriously ;) — I wrote about the meaning of the word tribute. After such a long prelude, I think I can finally mention who I want to pay tribute to with my (not only) writing — and actually, who I want to keep honoring continuously. Very consistently. Especially because I owe her my life. I couldn’t care less about Polish pathos. I thought long and hard about how to approach this without unnecessary exaggeration, avoiding any mannerisms.
Bon — because she is the one standing on that pedestal — is the most wonderful story in my life, after the “blue-eyed girl with a beautiful soul.” For various reasons, too. Besides that, she teaches me constantly. At every meeting. She surprises me. She moves me when she recognizes my voice and greets me. After nearly sixteen years of interior design — which came from a huge passion for creating and shaping — I’m done. Just plain done. Absolutely not with creativity! I live from imagination, I love to see the world differently. But it seems that this “different” isn’t always understood. Somehow, my biggest motivation — to show a mission-driven approach to this work, that it can be done differently — began to disappear, until it was completely lost.
There’s no point in doing something that stops exciting you. Life’s tough dramas made me make a decision that allowed me to breathe, to catch new energy — and my motivation became Bona herself. It felt like it took forever — trying to find myself. A split personality — wanting something else, but having to keep going the old way for obvious reasons. A vicious circle. Stepping out of the pattern, out of the comfortable chair you got stuck in — where you feel safe, but only seemingly — is hard. Hard doesn’t mean impossible. I think this transition was shown very vividly in a short film made in my studio at the time. I really wanted Pluszowa to appear in it. We filmed it a few years ago — maybe three. I think back then, subconsciously, I already felt I needed a different career path ;) Bona stood in the office, ending the film episode — though probably not only that.
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Late June, 2024
Yesterday, I visited my parents. While waiting for my dad, I walked behind the garage to the playground of my old elementary school — which now is barely recognizable. The field is overgrown with young trees. The remnants of the demolished walls are almost invisible behind the trees. It used to take me literally two minutes to get to school.
The kitchen windows of my parents’ house partly overlook the old school playground. Straight ahead (once), there was a sandbox and the path we used to jump from for long jump practice. I remember one lesson, or rather staring at that sand from the kitchen window, eagerly waiting for my mother’s beloved stuffed cabbage rolls. Then I’d run to the chapel for afternoon religion classes. Those were the days.
Yesterday, my childhood neighborhood left a depressing impression on me. Although some ladies in the same shops as always recognized me and smiled genuinely, the sad people wandering the sidewalks and the woman from the Żabka store — visibly worn down by life — made for a surprising sight. I get the feeling there’s a strange energy of doubt, emptiness, and dullness hanging over the place. Sad.
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june 10, 2024
A look — especially today. Especially because in my (depressive) cycle, there are moments when a lot changes, and this is dictated by… my forgetfulness and a break in the “chemical supply” to the brain, where, after all, changes have occurred. I probably shouldn’t write about this, because in depression treatment it’s forbidden to stop medication on one’s own. So when am I really myself — when I take the pills, or when I stop them, wanting to see how much I can tame the Beast drugged by the chemicals inside me, which painfully makes me clench my jaws, causing tooth grinding. Which slyly whispers in my ear: “Forget the fools, despise them — show them!” In return, it offers me unbearable ringing in the ears, annoying buzzing. It commands my head to “spin” cruelly, somehow unable to keep up with the image, causing painful feelings of isolation, incoherence, aggression. Monster, Monster, will we always live in this almost complete symbiosis?!? Is chemical anesthesia the only way to you?!? If I fall in love with someone now, is it me or you, Deceptive Serpent?? I hate you, and at the same time — arrogantly and utterly absurdly — I quietly adore you, because I have a pharmacological advantage over you. Appearance only. Yet, you allow me to see in yourself stories I never dreamed of before.
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may 6, 2024
Sometimes I wonder how it happens – and this affects me every year – that I always miss the phase from the moment delicate leaves first appear on the trees until they majestically sway in the wind. I think I experience something similar with people. It turns out that I often miss the human phase: from warmth to parasitic, like mistletoe, sucking – in my case – energy. People are pleasant, but how genuine are they really?!…
You know what, some time ago – speaking of “revealed truth” – I had the pleasure to participate in an emotionally exhausting yet incredibly vivid meeting that prompted me to take actions, majestically ;) just as I am doing now. I mean the meeting with the wonderful Karolina and the awe-inspiring, huge (literally!) Raban from Horse Spirit.
I wanted to get to know myself better, to understand the various fears I saw, and to discover what keeps me constantly and unchangingly in one place, despite believing that I can do more, be more attentive. That I can change. It was supposed to be a starting point to shed the beliefs I had carried for years, which I finally discovered—like Columbus perhaps discovering “his” America. I wonder whose surprise was greater.
Although I live through imagination and tried to prepare for this meeting by reading about it, I had no idea how deeply those nearly three hours spent with the “hosts” would affect me. I don’t recall ever having such a perfect teacher before… myself.
A beautiful “toned boy,” consistently taking his nightly pills to cope with life—me. In an indescribable way, surprisingly responsive to my slightest inner tremors. At every doubt in my mind, the tightness in my stomach, at the decision: “keep going?”—he would pause, trying to pinch me, as if asking:
“So, what, do you want to keep going? Because I don’t feel like you do.”
“Incredibly close, as if connected to my body and mind — outstanding.”
You know what touched me the most? I think I saw strength in him. An attempt to take care of me. Something like a sense of security — the kind of “hysterics” I’ve needed most for a long time. The strength of Raban, his confidence, assertiveness — made me realize that I too can be like that. Not necessarily relying on my usual pattern of the “strong woman,” who has long been dragging everything alone on her aching lower back.
Good, right?! It’s fantastic how perfectly one can be in symbiosis with horses. They respond to every tension, every hesitation — which I relentlessly try to understand from the saddle, wanting to communicate with “Her Highness” ;)