may 6, 2024

Sometimes I wonder how it happens – and this affects me every year – that I always miss the phase from the moment delicate leaves first appear on the trees until they majestically sway in the wind. I think I experience something similar with people. It turns out that I often miss the human phase: from warmth to parasitic, like mistletoe, sucking – in my case – energy. People are pleasant, but how genuine are they really?!…

You know what, some time ago – speaking of “revealed truth” – I had the pleasure to participate in an emotionally exhausting yet incredibly vivid meeting that prompted me to take actions, majestically ;) just as I am doing now. I mean the meeting with the wonderful Karolina and the awe-inspiring, huge (literally!) Raban from Horse Spirit.

I wanted to get to know myself better, to understand the various fears I saw, and to discover what keeps me constantly and unchangingly in one place, despite believing that I can do more, be more attentive. That I can change. It was supposed to be a starting point to shed the beliefs I had carried for years, which I finally discovered—like Columbus perhaps discovering “his” America. I wonder whose surprise was greater.

Although I live through imagination and tried to prepare for this meeting by reading about it, I had no idea how deeply those nearly three hours spent with the “hosts” would affect me. I don’t recall ever having such a perfect teacher before… myself.

A beautiful “toned boy,” consistently taking his nightly pills to cope with life—me. In an indescribable way, surprisingly responsive to my slightest inner tremors. At every doubt in my mind, the tightness in my stomach, at the decision: “keep going?”—he would pause, trying to pinch me, as if asking:

“So, what, do you want to keep going? Because I don’t feel like you do.”

“Incredibly close, as if connected to my body and mind — outstanding.”

You know what touched me the most? I think I saw strength in him. An attempt to take care of me. Something like a sense of security — the kind of “hysterics” I’ve needed most for a long time. The strength of Raban, his confidence, assertiveness — made me realize that I too can be like that. Not necessarily relying on my usual pattern of the “strong woman,” who has long been dragging everything alone on her aching lower back.

Good, right?! It’s fantastic how perfectly one can be in symbiosis with horses. They respond to every tension, every hesitation — which I relentlessly try to understand from the saddle, wanting to communicate with “Her Highness” ;)