May 2023

I think the demons have come back. I can’t sleep, though I wouldn’t get out of bed, trying to catch up on sleep during the day. At night, they crawl out, slip free — determined — to defeat me. I clench my hands like I’m getting ready for the ring, unconsciously. My fingers go numb, tingle. My teeth ache terribly from grinding my jaw. My whole face feels glued shut. At night, I hear the steady beating of my own heart. It keeps working, as if nothing’s wrong, as if it’s trying to tell me: hang on, things are better now, hang on…
I wonder what it would be like to not hear that pumping blood anymore. I can’t eat. Yesterday my dad said to me: “You’re making a martyr of yourself,” and I’m just gathering strength. To wash my hair.