june 10, 2024

A look — especially today. Especially because in my (depressive) cycle, there are moments when a lot changes, and this is dictated by… my forgetfulness and a break in the “chemical supply” to the brain, where, after all, changes have occurred. I probably shouldn’t write about this, because in depression treatment it’s forbidden to stop medication on one’s own. So when am I really myself — when I take the pills, or when I stop them, wanting to see how much I can tame the Beast drugged by the chemicals inside me, which painfully makes me clench my jaws, causing tooth grinding. Which slyly whispers in my ear: “Forget the fools, despise them — show them!” In return, it offers me unbearable ringing in the ears, annoying buzzing. It commands my head to “spin” cruelly, somehow unable to keep up with the image, causing painful feelings of isolation, incoherence, aggression. Monster, Monster, will we always live in this almost complete symbiosis?!? Is chemical anesthesia the only way to you?!? If I fall in love with someone now, is it me or you, Deceptive Serpent?? I hate you, and at the same time — arrogantly and utterly absurdly — I quietly adore you, because I have a pharmacological advantage over you. Appearance only. Yet, you allow me to see in yourself stories I never dreamed of before.