January 2024

Sometimes you feel so incredibly lonely — even among people — that I’ve learned how to comfortably settle into this — perhaps — selfish practice of “adoring” myself. I feel best away from the crowd. Arrogantly, I listen to what they say without any desire to understand. I need… myself. I miss myself terribly. I lost myself over the years trying to please others. My body sends signals. Strange “adhesions, cysts, and other polyps” appear inside me. I lose consciousness, collapsing to the floor. The buildup of years of stress and probably apathy surfaces.

I confide in the one who smells like hay. She saves me bravely and continuously. Thanks to her, I exist. The most wonderful nonverbal communication I’ve ever experienced. From the outside, it might look like pitiful attempts to grasp riding skills. It’s not about that at all. Not at all. Let them not understand — I don’t care.

I’m waiting for results. I already know it’s “vascular changes.” The girl in black socks and shiny sequin-covered boots looks at me with tired eyes. She doesn’t care about me. Like I don’t exist. A million thoughts run through my head: “what if…” She looks at me questioningly. I swear. I just had a thought — when I die — I absolutely have to tell my Favorite Person — to fold my hands in the international gesture of greeting. Sounds nicer in English. Okay, just kidding.