Your cart is currently empty!
Category: Bona Journal
-
june still
I’m a fan of Kobido. I absolutely love it! Maybe this kind of “slapping the face” helps me come to my senses?! I was there again two days ago. You know what? Indira, the girl I adore (a wonder with hands like vises), decided to put so-called “tapes” on me to help maintain the effect of the treatment. And you know what? She chose super colorful, rainbow ones for me. She said, “I thought these would suit you perfectly.”
How easy it is to not be able to guess what truly lies within a person.
Now I feel really good. I’ve done a titanic amount of work to feel the way I do now. A huge effort, driven by the will to live. Yet, even though sometimes it seemed to me that it would be easiest to end this process, I found my notes from that time, not so long ago after all. As I read them now, written on paper, on my phone – whether in emotion or completely without any – that version of me had a significant impact on who I am today.
I am still ill, but I am already taking care of myself.
-
june 14, 2024
The brazen shrew has let go, overwhelmed by consistently taking forgotten pills. Mea culpa. Meanwhile, the fragrant fur and its tongue, carefully licking a watermelon, bring me great happiness. I am happy simply because I am.
Yesterday, my favorite clients, the Mili couple, made me realize that I am suffering from a fatal illness. That sounds a bit scary. Speaking of “scary” — yesterday, after what the trainer and I agreed was a nice, good training session, while enjoying Bon grazing, “Mrs. Good Advice,” emerging from the depths of the fragrant, museum-like little house, suddenly spoke up, chewing on a cigarette.
She told me that I should ride without stirrups — to improve my seat, that I have a stiff hand and that I raise my leg too high. The lady with the cigarette, squatting and handling various broadly defined tasks, “advised” me. Polish rot showed itself in all its glorious form.
I was left speechless, and when I said, “I’m learning all over again,” she replied, “But you haven’t had a break.” It tightened—not her remark, but my attempt to understand why people… can be mean. I will never understand.
All the stories from the past three years, the consistent attempts to overcome the Personal Demon, ultimately give me strength. I think that—almost fifty years old—I’m finally beginning to understand whom I should love the most. Myself.
PS. To the “Charming Lady,” I wish focus on herself. Maybe it will still bear some good fruit.
-
june 12, 2024
The overwhelming Monster gave me a break, incapacitated by the chemicals whose doses we are steadily reducing with the doctor. Yesterday, I literally witnessed a comedy at the criminal department of the police. It just struck me – I had never really looked closely at our emblem before. In nature, does an eagle really have its claws spread as wide as on the emblem? … I feel closer to animals than to people. Without a shadow of doubt.
-
june 10, 2024
A look — especially today. Especially because in my (depressive) cycle, there are moments when a lot changes, and this is dictated by… my forgetfulness and a break in the “chemical supply” to the brain, where, after all, changes have occurred. I probably shouldn’t write about this, because in depression treatment it’s forbidden to stop medication on one’s own. So when am I really myself — when I take the pills, or when I stop them, wanting to see how much I can tame the Beast drugged by the chemicals inside me, which painfully makes me clench my jaws, causing tooth grinding. Which slyly whispers in my ear: “Forget the fools, despise them — show them!” In return, it offers me unbearable ringing in the ears, annoying buzzing. It commands my head to “spin” cruelly, somehow unable to keep up with the image, causing painful feelings of isolation, incoherence, aggression. Monster, Monster, will we always live in this almost complete symbiosis?!? Is chemical anesthesia the only way to you?!? If I fall in love with someone now, is it me or you, Deceptive Serpent?? I hate you, and at the same time — arrogantly and utterly absurdly — I quietly adore you, because I have a pharmacological advantage over you. Appearance only. Yet, you allow me to see in yourself stories I never dreamed of before.
-
June 2024
Mornings at the “ranch” are amazing. I absolutely love my morning garden check. Mine is completely chaotic – just like the old me. What I enjoy most is sitting with a cup of coffee, barefoot in the grass, watching my herd (two dogs and three cats). They have daily rituals, and I love observing them. It’s heartwarming that they like being close to me. Although I’m not sure if they like it or just simply are.
Alright, I’m off to the stable – I need to shake off the bad energy sent by the “Lady With No Class.” Well, I wish her all the best. That’s just how I am ;) -
good morning on this wonderfully sunny Monday
I’ve been struggling with depression for several years now. It’s been… varied. There was a time, about three years ago, when it was really hard — to put it mildly. I’m not sure what was worse — the feeling of my head being attached to a massive lump of meat, which had no strength to move and just wanted to lie there and slowly fade away — or the comments from someone I considered close at the time: “you’re creating your own problems.” Constant crying or — what I then thought was irrational — aggression. I cried watching a cheesecake commercial, and when the mascarpone whipped cream for my divine daughter’s favorite chocolate cake wouldn’t whip. I kicked the freezer drawer and broke it because it wouldn’t close. I couldn’t sit without leaning against a wall. I had no energy at all, like I really was that lump of meat — beef — and I didn’t even know why. I couldn’t sleep, then I’d wake at 3 or 4 a.m., unable to fall back asleep. In the morning, I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t wash my hair for weeks. I lost weight.
In my case, the breaking point came with a thought — just a thought — that flashed through my mind as I was driving down toward the roundabout in Piekary. I was supposed to yield to a truck. I thought: “I’m just seconds away from peace. All I have to do is close my eyes for a moment, not brake.” That thought terrified me! I have a huge will to live — enormous! I always have. I called the therapist who had once helped me understand myself. I ended up seeing a specialist. It turned out I was in a pretty critical state, on the edge of being hospitalized.Shock! I was convinced that — as usual — I’d handle my “various things” on my own.
Shock!
I didn’t talk about it for a long time.
Now I wonder why.
I don’t know.On Friday, I attended the funeral of my uncle.
The only thing that truly stayed with me was his grieving wife.
Now, with the perspective of therapy, treatment, and three years of professional care,
I can see that if I had listened to that fleeting thought back at the roundabout,
I might have gained the peace I so longed for —
but at the cost of someone else’s unbearable pain,
someone who might have wept over my departure.
Perspective. -
good morning!
Since morning I’ve been pondering a question — actually, a mistake! — for several weeks now. What do you think about giving a second chance?
In horsemanship (as I see it), these are just ‘chances’ — given to me by Her Majesty. Gosh… what a patient horse! I guess it’s similar with oneself — for as long as I remember, I give myself chances. Over and over, again and again, starting anew, and so on.
But that intoxicating question concerns another person. It’s kind of like voluntarily handing over a loaded gun, aimed straight at your head, awaiting the verdict. On the other hand — supposedly everyone deserves that chance. I really don’t know. I’m curious about your opinions.
When I think about my last few years, my life somewhat resembles one of Woody Allen’s comedies, whom I adore!
Goshhhh… how I wish I looked like Penélope Cruz in To Rome with Love (Woody Allen, 2012)!
Alright, I’m off for a ride! 🚀
-
may 6, 2024
Sometimes I wonder how it happens – and this affects me every year – that I always miss the phase from the moment delicate leaves first appear on the trees until they majestically sway in the wind. I think I experience something similar with people. It turns out that I often miss the human phase: from warmth to parasitic, like mistletoe, sucking – in my case – energy. People are pleasant, but how genuine are they really?!…
You know what, some time ago – speaking of “revealed truth” – I had the pleasure to participate in an emotionally exhausting yet incredibly vivid meeting that prompted me to take actions, majestically ;) just as I am doing now. I mean the meeting with the wonderful Karolina and the awe-inspiring, huge (literally!) Raban from Horse Spirit.
I wanted to get to know myself better, to understand the various fears I saw, and to discover what keeps me constantly and unchangingly in one place, despite believing that I can do more, be more attentive. That I can change. It was supposed to be a starting point to shed the beliefs I had carried for years, which I finally discovered—like Columbus perhaps discovering “his” America. I wonder whose surprise was greater.
Although I live through imagination and tried to prepare for this meeting by reading about it, I had no idea how deeply those nearly three hours spent with the “hosts” would affect me. I don’t recall ever having such a perfect teacher before… myself.
A beautiful “toned boy,” consistently taking his nightly pills to cope with life—me. In an indescribable way, surprisingly responsive to my slightest inner tremors. At every doubt in my mind, the tightness in my stomach, at the decision: “keep going?”—he would pause, trying to pinch me, as if asking:
“So, what, do you want to keep going? Because I don’t feel like you do.”
“Incredibly close, as if connected to my body and mind — outstanding.”
You know what touched me the most? I think I saw strength in him. An attempt to take care of me. Something like a sense of security — the kind of “hysterics” I’ve needed most for a long time. The strength of Raban, his confidence, assertiveness — made me realize that I too can be like that. Not necessarily relying on my usual pattern of the “strong woman,” who has long been dragging everything alone on her aching lower back.
Good, right?! It’s fantastic how perfectly one can be in symbiosis with horses. They respond to every tension, every hesitation — which I relentlessly try to understand from the saddle, wanting to communicate with “Her Highness” ;)
-
February still
Today reality overwhelmed me. I took my brain and hid under a blanket, after swallowing my “security pill” first. It didn’t help.
-
February 2024
Today I heard something that’s been on my mind for a long time. While trying to save my spine, a Kind Person said: “You know, the older we get, the wider our eyes open.”
True, my Charming Conversationalist chose to keep his eyes steadily closed, but he reminded me how much I love keeping mine wide open.